If I confront the thought floating around in the back of my mind that I might be on the wrong path, I will start to really mull it over and consider what it means. Or, what it doesn’t mean.
It’s scary. I have learned to go with the flow of the unplanned, but I need a plan. I like to have a rough outline in my mind of where I’m headed. Doesn’t work out? Cool, whatever. Time to draw up a new plan. Make it quick– my sanity will be crumbling.
My engines seem to come to a full stop if I can’t find an immediate reason for my actions. I know it has much to do with being almost 24 with no legitimate accomplishments/expensive pieces of paper to my name, no travel experiences to write home about, and no romantic relationships that haven’t taken place more or less in my head. I’m already running so late that now, every step I take toward “the future” forces me to question myself: Am I choosing the right future?
It wouldn’t have been a big deal when I was 18, but now I feel a sense of urgency to figure out what it is I should really be working toward. Because I don’t think I have many more chances left.
Is this my dream? Is it worth whatever drawbacks I encounter? Am I settling? Even if I am, do I deserve anything more after the last four wasted years? If I go in another direction, will it be the worst mistake of my life? Could I even do it? Is the answer something entirely different, something I haven’t thought of? What about living abroad or going on dates or getting happy drunk or learning to play the piano or being crazy good into yoga? What about everything? Is there still time to be the person I should have been?
Is having a plan what brings on my questions?